p. 14 | LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN by L. P.

Pacific Press Publishing Association · Mountain View, California · Oct 10, 1911

FromSigns of the Times, Vol. 38, No. 40.

LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN

By L. P.

BY A YOUNG MAN

What Marriage Means to a Man

MY DEAR ROBERT,— I have read with interest your reply to my last letter, in which I took exception to some remarks of yours regarding certain young women whose acquaintance you were then making. You may not now see as much in some of the things I tried to say to you, as I do; but you will understand it all later. No, I do not take a one-sided view of the sexes. I am well aware that women possess their full share of human frailty; but I am writing these letters, you will remember, to a young man, not to a young woman. I am anxious, in other words, that you should do your full part toward attaining a happy and useful marriage, and I am not immediately concerned with women only so far as to hope that you will find the right one. And to make this possible, I am desirous that you should think wisely of the sex as a whole, that you should understand in some measure why woman was created, and what at her best state she is able to do for man.

Woman was created, the Bible beautifully tells us, because it was not good for man to be alone. She was to be man's companion, and help meet for him; to stand by his side, and share his inner and outward life with him, with its joys and its griefs, its burdens, cares, and responsibilities. Obviously, if it was not good for man to be alone, neither was it good for woman, who was created to be his companion, to be alone. They were both, according to the divine plan, to find their joy and happiness, and full realization of their lives, in a union, and that a union of the most intimate kind, expressed in the significant words, "They twain shall be one flesh."

Perhaps I am old-fashioned; but it is my firm belief that the book that sets forth most clearly the peculiar dignity of woman, and the high and responsible place that she is called to fill in the home and in society, is the good old Bible. I know the so-called modern woman is of another mind, so much so that there has even been talk of preparing a new translation of the Scriptures in the special interests of women, with a view to remedying what they are pleased to consider the defects of the Authorized Version. But the modern woman, if we may be allowed the term, errs in two ways. First, she knows little of the Bible, either of its letter or of its spirit; and secondly, she knows little of the power of gentleness. The very large sphere occupied unobtrusively but fully by genuine women, is lost sight of if not despised, by the new woman, and a new field is sought, which, when found, will not be found as beautiful or as rich in service as the old one.

The Bible has a great deal to say about women; and to people of a Western land, some things will be liable to be misunderstood unless some pains be taken to understand Eastern customs. It is necessary also, in dealing with Eastern customs and usages, to know not merely the customs themselves, but the manner of their performance. I can not here go into all the minute regulations made for the safety and comfort of women in Old Testament times, nor can I give much of the good instruction to be found in the New Testament. It is possible only to touch on one or two passages; and as Paul is often considered to be rather averse to the higher development of women, I will take, to begin with, a portion of his epistle to the Ephesians. Some married men, I believe, are rather fond of quoting the verse, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." But it can not be understood properly without the accompanying verse, which reads, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it;" and again: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh."

Looking at the passage broadly, two thoughts stand out with considerable clearness. First, the husband is to love his wife, even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it. Secondly, he is to love and cherish his wife even as his own body, and for her sake is to leave all. Let us consider the latter statement for a moment. Notice what a constant love is here set forth; for a man never ceases to have a deep concern for his body. Moreover, his love is not of the nature of a rapturous adoration of his body because of its beauty or attractiveness, but rather because it is his own, because its fate is intimately wrapped up with his, because it is himself indeed. So with the love of a true husband for his wife. It is not the wild passion of a moment; it is not mere admiration for beauty or sprightliness; it is not an inconstant, changeful humor; but it is a steadily burning flame of pure devotion kindled by divine love and fed by sacrifice.

And now the other conception: The man is to love his wife even as Christ loved the church. Is not this requiring much of a man? And yet this is the standard soberly set for him if he would qualify himself for the responsibility of taking a wife. The very first thought it suggests is that the husband's love should be a constant quantity. Some men think they do well to love their wives when the latter happen to be in such a lovable mood that one couldn't help loving them; but this is not the love that measures with Christ's love for His church. A happy marriage is brought about not when a man finds a woman that he is sure he can always love, but when he has laid in a store of that divine, pitying love that the Saviour has for a weak, often-erring church. Happy marriages are in very fact made in heaven, for they are based on heavenly principles, calling for the man, as the active agent, to have for his wife the love that Christ has for His church. All the modern talk about affinities may be well enough in its way, but it makes good material for the divorce courts. Commend me rather to the instruction laid down in the Bible. Yes, and to the plain common sense of an old man who was giving some good advice to a young man. The young man said he wanted to be sure to marry the woman he loved. "Yes," replied the old man, "that is well enough; but I will tell you something far more important: Be sure to love the woman you marry."

To return to the instruction of Paul, it must be manifest at the first glance that while to the man is conceded mainly the responsibility of directing the common path which the two are to walk, yet of him also the higher standard of conduct is required. While the standard set before the woman is that of the church, the standard set before the man is that of Christ Himself. If he would know what sort of treatment is expected of him toward the wife of his bosom, let him study the Saviour's love for an erring church, His tenderness, His forbearance, His long-suffering, His willingness to overlook faults, His unwillingness to condemn, His fondness for little children, His tenderness toward the sick and suffering, His utter self-forgetfulness. Christ rebuked, and that sharply, men who were hard-hearted, self-righteous, and cruel; but with what infinite pity He regarded women! Even when Martha so far forgot herself and the duty she owed her guest as to undertake to point out His duty to Him, He answered her in those tender words, "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: but one thing is needful." And when the woman taken in adultery was brought before Him, with what infinite delicacy and tact He treated her! Some modern men of high Christian profession might think that He threw away a magnificent opportunity. How eloquently He could have discoursed to her of purity, in how stern a light He might have pictured the sin of adultery; but He only uttered those words of infinite tenderness, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." The Saviour understood women. He knew that they can be ruled by gentleness. He enjoyed everywhere the loving ministry of women, but it was His love and sympathy that commanded their service; He made no arbitrary requirements.

The husband is not in this passage urged to counsel and instruct his wife, but to nourish and cherish her. This strikes a vital chord. Woman, it has been said, is all heart. Certain it is that a woman is literally hungry for love, and starves without it. It is her life. And a man has no right to marry until he has a store of love and affection that will never run short, one that is replenished from above. Of course, it goes without saying that it must not be a love that is inspired merely by sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks; because the time is bound to come, and only too soon, when these helps to physical love will have departed. No; it must be a love that will go beneath the surface, that will take hold on character, which is the only thing that lasts; and even here, it must be a love which somehow fastens upon the best thing in the

character, and refuses to dwell on the things that are not so lovable.

There is one beautiful side to this experience of a man with his wife, that I have not touched upon, and can only just mention in passing. It is that while a man is thus seeking the good of his wife by observing these high principles in his treatment of her, he is at the same time working out his own salvation. I believe it was Thackeray who said that to love a pure, good woman is in itself a liberal education. There is nothing like marriage to draw out of a man all that is noblest and best in him.

I think I can not do better than close my letter with a quotation from Wordsworth's poem in honor of his life companion. After relating in vivid verse how she appeared to him at first as "a phantom of delight," "a lovely apparition sent to be a moment's ornament," he goes on in a deeper strain:

I saw her upon nearer view, A spirit, yet a woman too! Her household motions light and free, And steps of virgin-liberty; A countenance in which did meet Sweet records, promises as sweet; A creature not too bright or good For human nature's daily food; For transient sorrows, simple wiles, Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.

And now I see with eye serene The very pulse of the machine; A being breathing thoughtful breath, A traveler between life and death; The reason firm, the temperate will, Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill; A perfect woman, nobly planned, To warn, to comfort, and command; And yet a spirit still, and bright With something of angelic light.

Well, you may be inclined to ask, What has all this to do with a young man not yet married, nor even engaged to be married? This much: If you fully understand the nature of the responsibility a young man incurs when he undertakes to marry, to live on intimate terms with one woman for the remainder of his life, it may help you to make a wise choice.

I am as ever, your friend, L. P.